I understand why, after losing many loved ones and his faith still did not falter, satan wanted to attack Job's flesh. I understand why the enemy thought it would work when complete and utter heartache did not.
It has been a year since my surgery and it has been the hardest year if my life. Chronic pain is discouraging. It is hard especially because people think since it has been a year and I look okay, that I am okay. Truth is, this pain has been harder on me than the pain I was in before surgery. My entire body hurts every second of every day. I'm exhausted. Completely exhausted. My future of birthing babies biologically has been shaken as well. Because of all of this, I have been throw into depression and anxiety and wanting to isolate myself. This is not like me at all. The simplest tasks like going to the store for milk or washing a dish completely overwhelm me. I want to be home all the time and not be around most people.
Not once in my life have a felt this hopeless. Not once in my life have I felt mad at God. Not once in my life have I felt like not fighting. Not once in my life have I questioned Gods goodness and love for me, or the FACT that He hears me and sees me. My flesh being attacked for 4 years has shaken me tremendously more than losing several loved ones ever has. I am not writing this blog to get pity, rather to extend an understanding ear to anyone who may feel this, and to share the ways God has proved He DOES see me and hear me and He IS good and sweet and near. And to tell y'all God understands when we are mad, frustrated, question and feel weak. ALSO to tell satan he can go to hell, because I too, will not turn from my God even though my body literally wages war against me daily.
On days I feel hopeless and joyless Jesus reminds me that hope and joy are worth fighting for. I will tell you some examples through the past year Jesus has reminded me of that and of His love for me.
He gave me Annie. If y'all need a tangible example of how Jesus loved, meet this babe. She lives in severe pain and yet she cares so deeply for those around her and finds so much joy in doing so. While I was in the hospital a childhood friend came to see me, but other than that everyone was too far. She, because of her love for me, had her friends Melanie and Vince come to visit me and love on me. How blessed, loved and comforted I felt by the love of the three of them. The love of JESUS through them. That is only one example of how Annie, a friend I gained through pain has blessed me.
One day I was literally begging Jesus to feel near. That day at church a friend hugged me and said, "I feel like I am supposed to tell you this is from Jesus."
My friend Stacie and I got coffee while she was home for Christmas. Once again, a day after I cried out to the Lord in hopelessness, and we prayed together. She got a picture in her head for me the Lord had given to her. It was Jesus pouring a cup of liquid gold on my head. She saw my heart that was cracked and holy from pain and the liquid gold filled the holes and cracks and made my heart stronger. Then she saw Jesus on the cross with the same scar as me. He said, "my child I understand." Gracious! How powerful is that!
More recently. I mean like literally in the last two weeks I have been struggling tremendously. Within my heart and with my pain levels. I told God one day that I was sad I felt alone. Then I prayed for God to show me the way He wants me and Cameron to become parents. I told Him I needed Him to be super clear, even if that meant speaking through other believers. About an hour later I got a spur of the moment call from Annie, and got to spend and hour with her. We got to pray together. How encouraging that was to my heart.
The next morning my friends mom felt led to tell me a story about the beauty of foster care and later that day, her son (they did not know they encouraged me the same day) William encouraged me by telling me I am not alone in this pain. A few days later my Aunt Shawn shared with me that she had a dream that I was a little bit older and we were at a family event. Me and Cameron were full of joy. She said I was glowing as I walked int. I was carrying an African American baby girl.
As she told me this her arms covered in goosebumps and we both cried. A few days after this a girl at my work told me about how she is fostering a boy she met at the apartment ministry she was involved in. This brought so much joy and encouragement to my heart.
Just yesterday I was talking to my husband and a friend about how I feel crippled by depression and anxiety. How I feel tormented by it. Then, before walking into work this morning I read a post my friend Victoria send me that said:
It has been a year since my surgery and it has been the hardest year if my life. Chronic pain is discouraging. It is hard especially because people think since it has been a year and I look okay, that I am okay. Truth is, this pain has been harder on me than the pain I was in before surgery. My entire body hurts every second of every day. I'm exhausted. Completely exhausted. My future of birthing babies biologically has been shaken as well. Because of all of this, I have been throw into depression and anxiety and wanting to isolate myself. This is not like me at all. The simplest tasks like going to the store for milk or washing a dish completely overwhelm me. I want to be home all the time and not be around most people.
Not once in my life have a felt this hopeless. Not once in my life have I felt mad at God. Not once in my life have I felt like not fighting. Not once in my life have I questioned Gods goodness and love for me, or the FACT that He hears me and sees me. My flesh being attacked for 4 years has shaken me tremendously more than losing several loved ones ever has. I am not writing this blog to get pity, rather to extend an understanding ear to anyone who may feel this, and to share the ways God has proved He DOES see me and hear me and He IS good and sweet and near. And to tell y'all God understands when we are mad, frustrated, question and feel weak. ALSO to tell satan he can go to hell, because I too, will not turn from my God even though my body literally wages war against me daily.
On days I feel hopeless and joyless Jesus reminds me that hope and joy are worth fighting for. I will tell you some examples through the past year Jesus has reminded me of that and of His love for me.
He gave me Annie. If y'all need a tangible example of how Jesus loved, meet this babe. She lives in severe pain and yet she cares so deeply for those around her and finds so much joy in doing so. While I was in the hospital a childhood friend came to see me, but other than that everyone was too far. She, because of her love for me, had her friends Melanie and Vince come to visit me and love on me. How blessed, loved and comforted I felt by the love of the three of them. The love of JESUS through them. That is only one example of how Annie, a friend I gained through pain has blessed me.
One day I was literally begging Jesus to feel near. That day at church a friend hugged me and said, "I feel like I am supposed to tell you this is from Jesus."
My friend Stacie and I got coffee while she was home for Christmas. Once again, a day after I cried out to the Lord in hopelessness, and we prayed together. She got a picture in her head for me the Lord had given to her. It was Jesus pouring a cup of liquid gold on my head. She saw my heart that was cracked and holy from pain and the liquid gold filled the holes and cracks and made my heart stronger. Then she saw Jesus on the cross with the same scar as me. He said, "my child I understand." Gracious! How powerful is that!
More recently. I mean like literally in the last two weeks I have been struggling tremendously. Within my heart and with my pain levels. I told God one day that I was sad I felt alone. Then I prayed for God to show me the way He wants me and Cameron to become parents. I told Him I needed Him to be super clear, even if that meant speaking through other believers. About an hour later I got a spur of the moment call from Annie, and got to spend and hour with her. We got to pray together. How encouraging that was to my heart.
The next morning my friends mom felt led to tell me a story about the beauty of foster care and later that day, her son (they did not know they encouraged me the same day) William encouraged me by telling me I am not alone in this pain. A few days later my Aunt Shawn shared with me that she had a dream that I was a little bit older and we were at a family event. Me and Cameron were full of joy. She said I was glowing as I walked int. I was carrying an African American baby girl.
As she told me this her arms covered in goosebumps and we both cried. A few days after this a girl at my work told me about how she is fostering a boy she met at the apartment ministry she was involved in. This brought so much joy and encouragement to my heart.
Just yesterday I was talking to my husband and a friend about how I feel crippled by depression and anxiety. How I feel tormented by it. Then, before walking into work this morning I read a post my friend Victoria send me that said:
I have to admit, I always wondered what this part of Psalm 23 meant. I thought “He anoints my head with oil” was figurative language for God keeping the Psalmist healthy. I never knew this parallel.
Anoint my head with oil
“Sheep can get their head caught in briers and die trying to get untangled. There are horrid little flies that like to torment sheep by laying eggs in their nostrils which turn into worms and drive the sheep to beat their head against a rock, sometimes to death. Their ears and eyes are also susceptible to tormenting insects. So the shepherd anoints their whole head with oil. Then there is peace. That oil forms a barrier of protection against the evil that tries to destroy the sheep. Do you have times of mental torment? Do the worrisome thoughts invade your mind over and over? Do you beat your head against a wall trying to stop them? Have you ever asked God to anoint your head with oil? He has an endless supply! His oil protects and makes it possible for you to fix your heart, mind, and eyes on Him today and always! There is peace in the valley! May our good good Father anoint your head with oil today so that your cup overflows with blessings! God is good and He is faithful!!”
ONCE AGAIN I WAS REMINDED OF GODS CARE FOR ME IN THE MIDST OF PAIN AND TORMENT. I walked into work encouraged, only to be met by our devo to be about Gods care in the midst of anxiety.
Y'all, the stories go on and on. These are just a few of my favorites. He, my Daddy God, continues to show me how much He cares. Anyone else would have given up after someone kept doubting and forgetting. But my Daddy fights for my joy and my hope and my peace. Shouldn't I believe its worth fighting for too? JOY AND HOPE ARE WORTH FIGHTING FOR MY FRIENDS. If you feel joyless, hopeless, peace-less, simply ask God to show His care for you. Simply ask Him to be near. I bet you a million bucks He'll show up.
https://youtu.be/ZLSWtamikJk
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