Skip to main content

Vulnerability

It's been a little over 5 months since my surgery. I thought the surgery itself was going to be me getting out of the woods. But now, I feel I am still deep in the dark woods.

My surgery changed my body. Chronic pain and disease have crushed my spirit and have made my thoughts a moment by moment battle. I can't be as active as I was even before surgery. Literally most days all but my forearms and hands hurt. Before surgery, I was very social. Now I want to do nothing. Literally nothing. Not even hang out with my closest friends. The thought of going into Wal-Mart for milk gives me severe anxiety. I can't be the friend or family member I want to be.

I can't do the things I want to do. I should be studying for my alternative certification but I'm literally exhausted every second of the day and even getting out my study material gives me a full blown anxiety attack. I want to be a good mentor and light for Jesus, but I am so so tired. My heart feels crushed at the idea that this disease hinders me from having healthy children. Every comment or joke about me having kids rips my heart apart and I have to act like everything is okay. I have weekly anxiety attacks over it.

I know all of this is to give me a deeper rooted hope. I know I cannot but HE can. I know Gods strength is glorified so much more in my weakness. But I am asking for grace, patience and prayers in this time. This chronic pain, this disease is breaking me down to near nothing and I do not feel like myself anymore.

I am so thankful for the sweetness and nearness of God, shown to me in many ways. One of those ways includes many of you! Thank you for all your prayers anf encouragment. I love you all.

Comments

  1. UnknownDecember 28, 2017 at 7:04 PM

    I love you dear friend. You have a beautiful spirit and God WILL see you through. ❤️ Always here and always near, your sissy in Christ.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

NOW THOSE ALTARS IN THE WILDERNESS TELL THE STORY OF HIS FAITHFULNESS

There have been seasons in my life that lasted way longer than I would have liked them too. After a long while I began to realize wishing those seasons away and turning to so many things but Jesus to make those seasons end was not working, but instead was making me bitter. My prayer in those seasons went from, "take this cup from me" to, "as long as it takes to get to a place of surrender I'm gonna stay right here." My hard times brought me to a place of fully surrendering fear and fully trusting Jesus, something I struggled severely with. Our sweet son was diagnosed with neurofibromatosis last week. I think if this had happened before those other hard seasons I would be totally crippled by fear right now. But I can honestly say that I'm not fearful of what this diagnosis might bring, sad yes, but not afraid.  I used to always expect the worst. Expect whatever came next to be something that once again would bring bad news. This time, although it...
Post a Comment
Read more

Jealousy is the Ugliest Trait.

So.... HUGE STRUGGLE. Jealousy. It's not a pretty thing. It consumes your thoughts, heart, emotions, self-esteem and worst of all puts hatred in your hear for others...especially the ones you are closest to. Now my first encounter with this disgusting sin that I can remember and took its toll on all the above was in high-school within my youth group. It involved a girl who I considered a dear friend. She IS pretty, talented, loving and many people look up to her and want to be around her. Instead of seeing all the Lord gifted me with, I was too busy looking and wanting to be her. Needless to say the relationship was broken by ugliness and hate and years of friendship were lost. The struggle did not end with the friendship. The jealousy continued and so did the hatred in my heart. For years, there was no forgiveness, just bitterness. Here years after, I am much more confident in who I am. But that silly little sin still has a grip on me. I look around at my dearest friends a...
Post a Comment
Read more

I Desire to Know Jesus and be Like Him Above All. I Choose to Believe His Plans are Good.

My heart desires things that the Lord is not ready to give me in this season. My heart has been struggling and this morning the Lord comforted me. I am reading through 2 Corinthians and Proverbs. Today I read chapter 1 of 2 Corinthians which talks about the suffering we will encounter but how we will ABUNDANTLY share in God's comfort! I went on from there to read Proverbs 19, where verse 21 really hit me like a ton of bricks. " Many are the plans of a mans heart, but it is the Lords purpose that prevails." SHOOT DANG. My heart has been envious of others who are experiencing the blessing of having babies. My heart has also been prideful in the sense that I feel entitled. As if the Lord is taking something away from me or withholding something from me. This is simply a lie and the Lord is gently correcting my hearts posture and my prayer in this season. My prayer is that instead of moping and being filled with self pity I may use it to mature in Christ, securing and growi...
Post a Comment
Read more