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Vulnerability

It's been a little over 5 months since my surgery. I thought the surgery itself was going to be me getting out of the woods. But now, I feel I am still deep in the dark woods.

My surgery changed my body. Chronic pain and disease have crushed my spirit and have made my thoughts a moment by moment battle. I can't be as active as I was even before surgery. Literally most days all but my forearms and hands hurt. Before surgery, I was very social. Now I want to do nothing. Literally nothing. Not even hang out with my closest friends. The thought of going into Wal-Mart for milk gives me severe anxiety. I can't be the friend or family member I want to be.

I can't do the things I want to do. I should be studying for my alternative certification but I'm literally exhausted every second of the day and even getting out my study material gives me a full blown anxiety attack. I want to be a good mentor and light for Jesus, but I am so so tired. My heart feels crushed at the idea that this disease hinders me from having healthy children. Every comment or joke about me having kids rips my heart apart and I have to act like everything is okay. I have weekly anxiety attacks over it.

I know all of this is to give me a deeper rooted hope. I know I cannot but HE can. I know Gods strength is glorified so much more in my weakness. But I am asking for grace, patience and prayers in this time. This chronic pain, this disease is breaking me down to near nothing and I do not feel like myself anymore.

I am so thankful for the sweetness and nearness of God, shown to me in many ways. One of those ways includes many of you! Thank you for all your prayers anf encouragment. I love you all.

Comments

  1. UnknownDecember 28, 2017 at 7:04 PM

    I love you dear friend. You have a beautiful spirit and God WILL see you through. ❤️ Always here and always near, your sissy in Christ.

    ReplyDelete

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