Skip to main content

Vulnerability

It's been a little over 5 months since my surgery. I thought the surgery itself was going to be me getting out of the woods. But now, I feel I am still deep in the dark woods.

My surgery changed my body. Chronic pain and disease have crushed my spirit and have made my thoughts a moment by moment battle. I can't be as active as I was even before surgery. Literally most days all but my forearms and hands hurt. Before surgery, I was very social. Now I want to do nothing. Literally nothing. Not even hang out with my closest friends. The thought of going into Wal-Mart for milk gives me severe anxiety. I can't be the friend or family member I want to be.

I can't do the things I want to do. I should be studying for my alternative certification but I'm literally exhausted every second of the day and even getting out my study material gives me a full blown anxiety attack. I want to be a good mentor and light for Jesus, but I am so so tired. My heart feels crushed at the idea that this disease hinders me from having healthy children. Every comment or joke about me having kids rips my heart apart and I have to act like everything is okay. I have weekly anxiety attacks over it.

I know all of this is to give me a deeper rooted hope. I know I cannot but HE can. I know Gods strength is glorified so much more in my weakness. But I am asking for grace, patience and prayers in this time. This chronic pain, this disease is breaking me down to near nothing and I do not feel like myself anymore.

I am so thankful for the sweetness and nearness of God, shown to me in many ways. One of those ways includes many of you! Thank you for all your prayers anf encouragment. I love you all.

Comments

  1. UnknownDecember 28, 2017 at 7:04 PM

    I love you dear friend. You have a beautiful spirit and God WILL see you through. ❤️ Always here and always near, your sissy in Christ.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I Know You're With Me To The Very End

An update on our week in Houston for all who want to know: Y'all, this week has been bittersweet. If I am honest, I am still processing it all and I am struggling a little bit. Lets be real, I am struggling a lot. Anyways, let me just tell you the whole journey. About a month ago, I was laying on the floor, literally sobbing and asking my Abba "why?" Every doctor we had talked to had either turned me away or told me there was nothing more they could do for me. We had gotten no answers since I got diagnosed in 2015. Cameron shared with our friend, Steve Murphy, the dead end we had hit and how hopeless we felt after a service about feeling helpless. Steve, being our family in Christ immediately wanted to help and connected us with another man in our church, Leeland. Leeland selflessly spent hours of his time to research and found us a doctor at M.D. Anderson in Houston. Although there was a waiting list to get into Dr. Slopis, we got an appointment the day we were ...
3 comments
Read more

Winning The War Over Our Sin

Sin. It gets us out of the Lords will and destroys us. The enemy uses it to break us down. He knows what we struggle with most and when we are at our lowest and he knows exactly when to attack. We receive the seeds of sin before we even realized we've received it. The enemy has designed sin to get us out of the will of God so we will never ever see the power and plan the Lord has for our lives. This sucks. What do we do? Sit around full of self pity, letting it happen? Just say "ahhh darn i'm too weak to overcome this" Think that we are too far gone to ever turn back to our Father? NO WE FIGHT. We continue to address our sin until we are free. We demand discipline in every aspect of our lives, that includes demanding discipline of those you spend your time with. We stand up against generational curses and say "No more! It stops with me!" We must WANT to be free to be free. When there is a sin that is strong and consistent in your life a...
4 comments
Read more

God's Providence

1Thes 2:8 We loved you so much we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our own lives as well, because you had become so dear to us. I believe the Lord has done remarkable things in my life in order that I may share it with others for His glory...so here we go. The Lord's providence has been all over my whole life. And I mean my WHOLE life...but I'll start at age 8. When I was 8, my aunt and uncle so lovingly blessed me by sending me to Kanakuk a Christian athletic camp. That was the summer I first heard the Gospel. This was the same summer my two year old brother passed away. Divine providence one, I heard the Gospel, the promise that this life is not the end just a week or so before my precious brother went to be with the Lord. Thank the  Lord I had those promises to hold tight to in that dark time. The summer between 6th and 7th grade, my aunt and uncle again, obedient to the Lord's calling to love and pursue me offered to send me to a pri...
3 comments
Read more