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The Struggle

I have always struggled when it comes to guys. I sadly am one of those girls who has always felt like she needed to have a guy telling her her worth to really feel that she is anything. 

Thinking back, I cannot remember a time I did not have some form of guy there for me, if I was technically single, I still had a few guys on the side I strung along to make myself feel good...and sadly I hurt a lot of them. For this I am still ashamed and hope they have forgiven me.

Anyways, that's the back story in a nutshell to what the Lord is revealing to me now. The serious relationship I was in before the one I'm in now (the one I can actually count as a legit relationship) was NOT glorifying to the Lord. I'm going to be super honest and real in the next few sentences...although he and I never slept together, there were many things in our relationship that were meant to only be experienced within the marriage relationship. We were FAR to emotionally involved and in many ways acted as if we were already married. AND TO THIS DAY I am facing the consequences.

I am now in a relationship I am SO undeserving of...my boyfriend is patient, loving, kind, selfless...pretty much everything a Biblical man looks like and yet I have had doubts because I don't feel as "emotionally attached" to him as I did to whoever before. I have come to realize through much prayer and reading that our emotions are SO misleading. The last relationship may have felt "more right" but that was an emotion, but the word of God is  TRUTH and as far as I can see whether or not this is my last relationship or not, I can say with confidence that it is glorifying to the Lord because he is leading me in such a Biblical and honorable way, and the last relationship did not match up or glorify the Lord even 50% of the time. Thank the Lord he has been so patient with me through all this.

EVEN MORE THAN THAT....

 GOD IS GOOD...like real talk!!!! I am SO SO SO undeserving of His love...and yet He loves me more than anyone ever can. I have never been completely content in Him alone because I have never not had a guy there to give me some kind of ego boost. That's why as amazing as my boyfriend is...he or no guy ever will  meet all my deepest heart desires...not even the man I marry, because my hearts true longing is the Lord. So in this season I'm really trying to learn to fall in love with him, cause until then and only then this feeling of discontentment will not cease.

I know this probably TMI and doesn't make any sense but it is what is on my heart!


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